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While mobile gaming attempts to work out its sexism issues, they seem to have settled on their ideal formula for advertising a competitive strategy game. Which is to show one or more beautiful women beating one or more regular guys at it. See, ladies, they know you can play games real well, so don't be offended! The Generic Schlub is astounded by this game goddess and her superior skill, but don't worry for your egos, hetero boys; in a surprise plot twist, our superior female players are besting you in this contest of skill as a means of flirtation!

(I have seen video ads for at least 4 separate games following this formula.)
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[personal profile] rialian's tortoiseshell cat Maeve is giving me dietary advice: she thinks I should eat more chicken, and eat it in front of the cat. Oh, and also I should definitely tear the skin into little pieces and drop it on the floor.
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Please pardon the long silence.

I wish I had come sooner, but wishing and regrets only delay me further. So here I am, without further ado.

When you have an autistic/ADHD brain, with fiddly frontal lobes and tetchy dopamine regulation, flow psychology becomes ludicrously, absurdly important to the exercise of free will, as do patterns of feedback and reward.

I can lift hand-weights until I get bored and have modest gains at most, but recently I swam in the ocean again, just two days of paddling against waves, and can still see the difference in my upper arms. Dynamic resistance, a balance of support and hindrance in motion. I can only push through the immediate burn of exertion when there is something equal to it within me and behind me to push with.

For a while that wasn't there. More recently, just this year, I've had the impetus but not the environment. The understanding that I need to swim again, literally and metaphorically, has been present, but I also need currents to push against. Forces that pull at me and call me into motion.

And the ones I've had access to recently have ranged from suboptimal to downright toxic, which is, I guess, what you get when the Reward Machine is run by the Advertising Machine these days, and has tuned its mechanism to extract will and money from our behavior very finely indeed.

I've had difficulty finishing books, in the last few years - something I'd been doing without trouble for my entire life before. (That too is coming back.)

I blame brain chemistry and burnout, but also, the online environments I've been in have provided the wrong kind of flow; tiny bites of erudition, instantaneous response. Dynamism, turbulance, but almost no resistance.

I came to those environments because my wrists were giving me trouble (they still are, but if I avoid rapid messaging, I at least have the physical stamina now to write a screenful of text) and stayed because my cognition and mental pacing recalibrated to match, and I couldn't find an exit point, a place where it made more sense in the immediate to return to...

...this, to thinking out loud with genuine structure. Missives complete within themselves, instead of just random scraps. A space into which determination and identity can unfold.

It seemed so difficult, because the things that were easy were also stealing from me.

So a few days ago I reconnected with old friends in person, and we agreed, an accountability pact, to return together here, because this is where there's a living architecture that gives us space to be ourselves and escape the cycle, and we've all known this for a while (but it's so hard, when you're being stolen from, and everyone else is being stolen from, and...) and here I am.

It feels better already.

Let us Make something once more.

I live.

Dec. 12th, 2013 04:00 am
amberite_archive: (Default)
Mostly on my tumblr, blogging Homestuck with a side order of kink acceptance and mental health awareness. (Sometimes on Flight Rising, which is a pixel dragon petsite and enormously addictive, as amberite.) On testosterone again. Haven't figured out what the fuck to do with my life remotely at all whatsoever. Still love you guys.

That is all.
amberite_archive: (Sollux (canon pic))
Okay, sorry I've been so totally out of contact. I'm mostly on my Tumblr right now because my fandom is most active there, as much as I'd rather it be here or on DW.

But anyway. We (titianArchivist and myself) have completed the first "book" of Wires and Stars, our Sollux/Psiioniic epicfic, and I have all these rambly thoughts to tell you sometime about creativity and how awesome it is to have a creative partner because this is the only novel-length work I've both completed and been genuinely happy with completing (same for Titian), and it's making me think about the possibility of going back towards writing as a career.

The series isn't finished, but the first part is finally out the gate. All seventeen chapters of it. WITH FANART ALL OVER THE PLACE, oh my god. Not by us, but by people who actually draw, wow.

Wires and Stars: Initiation

in chapters * as one piece

Story contains pseudo-incest [of the "characters are genetically related but don't have a human-style family relationship" variety], body horror, angst, hurt/comfort, age difference, mental health issues... let's just say our motto is "everything is beautiful and everything hurts", and we're dedicated to both dealing with really dark material and being ultimately kind to our readers as a baseline. It's an attempt to tell an ultimately hopeful story in a crapsack world.

We have an authorial policy, in response to a number of concerned questions: ask directly for spoilers if you need them. Fanfiction should be fun! It should be fun for everyone, at every level of narrative surprise comfort or lack thereof!

If you want to skip to the smut, we also wrote fingers of light, a 12k smutty one-shot that takes place just before the last chapter of Initiation. It's somewhat spoilery for the story arc of Initiation, but if you're a skip-to-the-smut sort of person (no shame in that!) you probably don't mind.

Still need to write up the FAQ of "things you need to know about Homestuck to make our fic comprehensible if you're not a Homestuck reader", but as a general principle, most of them are the sort of thing you'll know if someone has told you about Homestuck at length and if you keep the wiki handy: we're trying very hard with this to make it relatively accessible to non-Homestuck fans. And, if you're a non-Homestuck who wants to read it and is waiting on said FAQ, please let me know! It'll give me motivation to work harder. :-)

amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
- Part of Wires and Stars: Initiation by [ profile] amberite and TitianArchivist -

(art by querulousArtisan)

Chapter 6: whenever I'm alone and you're lost out there

This is not something you can engineer.

This should not upset you as much as it does.

But: identify your variables, and you can give them parameters. You finally have a name, now, for the loss and the longing and the reaching; you know the shape of the shameful crack in your heart.

More chapter teasers below the cut )

Tags/warnings/etc at AO3.
And a bunch of new art in chapters 2, 3 and 7 and linked from chapter 5!

Sorry about the delayed updates. I've been mostly over on Tumblr, as there are more Homestucks there, even though I like LJ and DW better.
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
- Part of Wires and Stars: Initiation by [ profile] amberite and titianArchivist -

(art by querulousArtisan)

Chapter 6: whenever I'm alone and you're lost out there

This is not something you can engineer.

This should not upset you as much as it does.

But: identify your variables, and you can give them parameters. You finally have a name, now, for the loss and the longing and the reaching; you know the shape of the shameful crack in your heart.

Tags/warnings/etc at AO3.
In other news, there's now art in Chapter 2 and 3, and another piece going up soon!
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
- Part of Wires and Stars by [ profile] amberite and titianArchivist -

Chapter 5: cup your hands like the conch to your ear

“I think, I think last time you could hear me I asked you to tell me everything. I. I still want that.” You look him square in the eye, still can’t get over how his eyes reverse-mirror yours, and your stupid defensiveness goes to brittle nothing like a drying soap bubble.

In which attempts are made to divulge memories, assuage discomfort, and consult a third party, with mixed success in all cases.

Tags/warnings/etc at AO3.
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
prologue (aka chapter 1) * chapter 2 * chapter 3

Chapter 4: it's a hollow play but they laugh anyway

Summary/teaser: You crawl back into your command centers through a narrow sideways channel of machine code, back to your body where she wants you: your body the central emplacement on the front line from which you can never retreat.

And in another time and place, Aradia is awesome.

(ETA: Leave comments and/or rec if you enjoy it, please! Longfic is hard, and for some reason I seem to be blacklisted from Tumblr tags, meaning I'm having trouble reaching my core audience as that's where most of Homestuck fandom lives.)
amberite_archive: (Sollux (canon pic))
(Sollux/Psiioniic epic in progress by [ profile] amberite and TitianArchivist. Warnings/ratings up on AO3. Body horror, weird dream shit, later smut.)

Chapter Teaser:
You are too open. You are defenseless. You are not a vessel for voices, you are a fleetbeast dead center on the highway, you have no foreknowledge of what you are about to endure, you will be destroyed, insane. You are not yourself. You are so young.

You know who you are.
You know who you are.

Chapter 1 * Chapter 2 * Chapter 3
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
PEOPLE, you guys, sometimes they are just AWESOME.

Like when the quiet girl with the headscarf brings in a carafe of what she rather vaguely calls Arabic coffee and cups for sharing
and it's almost more fresh cardamom than coffee and there are these flowery notes too that you can't identify and it's like the best thing ever
and you go "wow this is amazing do you know if any restaurants around town serve coffee like this"
and she goes "no it's my family recipe, here, have some more, I'm going to bring it to class every Wednesday"

and she looks familiar, so you tell her about your autism spectrum disorder and prosopagnosia, because you try to be upfront about that especially when talking with people of color so that they won't have to feel like it's a race thing when you get confused (ah, intersectionality problems)

and she tells you it's okay and she loves the fact that you're a walking dictionary and you both get to talking about how everyone has different brains and it's okay

and it turns out that you were in a class together a couple years ago
the one where you were the designated loud heckler, and everyone either loved or hated it and still remembers you (she loved it)

and you find out that you're the same age and having the same career trajectory doubts and questions even though all the life reasons for why it's a problem are different ones
and it just helps so much right now.

amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
A longfic begun, a crosspost made...

Wires and Stars: Initiation, by [ profile] amberite & titianArchivist.

First chapter of the Sollux/Psiioniic fic I've been babbling about. (Additionally Sollux/Aradia pale - which is the most major pairing in this chapter, and there will be some Sollux/Karkat, and more pairings added as they appear.)

The first time, you just dream of strange stars. Stars rise at the top of your vision and arc lazily down to the bottom, constellation after constellation, galaxy after galaxy, and you wake with an effortless sense of great distance and deep calm that stays with you half the night.

Perigees pass before you’re willing to question it, to investigate what the hell that was all about, and by that time, things have gotten
entirely out of hand.

You’re well aware that you’re half crazy. Maybe it’s just your mutant thinkpan acting up. The alternative... you don’t want to think about the alternative.

Warnings at AO3. So far, they are the usual warnings for all things Helmsman-fic.
amberite_archive: (Sollux (canon pic))
Head on over and answer, please, if you read Homestuck fanfic and not if you don't? - it's a fandom-specific poll because reasons: the slightly different 'mannerisms' of fanfic in this fandom are the reason why I'm taking this poll at all. My normal habit would be to NOT write out speech impediments all the time; Homestuck just has, I guess, unique sensibilities and conventions, and one of them is that lithping attholeth are thometimeth thtupidly hot. :P
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
Ok Internet. Is it me or is anyone else out there REALLY WANTING Nate/Sophie/Sterling OT3 fic? (In addition to the Hardison/Parker/Elliot OT3 that we already knew was practically canon, natch.)

Fandom, I demand that you make this happen!
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
I've been dicking around with graphics art a little, for the first time in years, and coming to the conclusion that though my tablet-phone is quite nice it's just a bit too small of a working area.

Anyone got a recommendation for a good solid cheap input tablet for my desktop? (Or better yet, a discarded one lying around?)


Dec. 25th, 2012 04:13 pm
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
Well, I *was* going to muck around town as Femme Darth Vader but I'm catching a cold, so started out late... and then found my wallet wasn't in my pocket.

Since I bought gas last night right before coming home, it can be in one of three places - house, car or somewhere random on the ground where I opened my car door. House and car are both complicated searches in progress. Somewhere random on the ground is essentially an unsolvable condition. Nobody seems to have charged anything on my debit card as of yet, so I'm guessing house or car. But... where the hell in said places? Did the cats drag it off? Meanwhile, this sucks and I shouldn't go driving around without my driver's license. :-(

In happier news, I have two awesome Yuletide gifts from anonymous benefactors - Her Brother's Keeper (Chronicles of Amber story focused on Fiona) and Autumn Sparring (Baldur's Gate story focused on Khalid and the Harpers.) Yay!

I'm also getting involved in a super intricate creative collaboration with a new friend in the Homestuck fandom. (If you're interested, I'll be posting more about it on DW and Tumblr, as I get the sense that Homestuck babblings will be more welcome in those areas, though if you're interested in my putting up posts here too, feel free to note it in comments. I'll definitely link to finished results here, in any case.)
amberite_archive: (Sollux (canon pic))

Despite the name, it is not solely for fic. It is fic- and conversation-oriented and I am trying to especially invite people who want to get up to these shenanigans - the kind that are a lot more difficult on Tumblr, which is where most of the Homestuck fun seems to be taking place.

So yeah. Go over and check thii2 2hiit out if you like the Gemini trolls and want people to jam with for fan-creativity.
amberite_archive: (harlequin)
So I use my Gmail drafts folder as an all-purpose notebook, because it's easy to copy/paste from it and I get tired of saving things on the wrong machine or losing writing in a computer crash.

And then I wind up with strange, strange abandoned ideas in there sometimes. The bums-with-dreadlocks of my writing drawer. Like the following:

"name a badly behaved cat "Jesus" so that people can say "Oh, Jesus!" when the cat poops in their shoes."

That is all.
Carry on with your business.
amberite_archive: (me with scarf)
Songs That Twist Together In The Dark

(my tumblr post has more information about it)

The art (which inspired the mix) is sort of spoilery for Homestuck, but specifically for back-canon. Also disturbing. Not NSFW, but behind a cut anyway.
Read more... )

The playlist on Grooveshark



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