amberite_archive: (the doctor)
(Comments not guaranteed spoilerless.)

It's as I thought, only more so. Not one, but two guns laid blithely on the mantelpiece. And they're bazookas.

Fortunately I kind of trust Moffat to have a steady trigger finger.

I sure do need an Eleven icon.
amberite_archive: (nowhere)
This post is kind of important. Bear with me about the long, please. And non-DW people, don't worry: it doesn't stay on Doctor Who for long.

I loved what this episode had to say about mental illness:

- Just because you see things others don't, doesn't mean they aren't there.

- Conversely, the fact that they are there doesn't mean you aren't ill.

- A hug won't cure everything. Neither will a good perspective. But that doesn't mean either is futile, anymore than they are for someone with another form of illness. We're here to treat each other right. Doing otherwise just makes everything worse.

I loved how they made Vincent a human being, neither weak and pitiable nor mighty and overly romanticized. The typical "romantic" view of madness is problematic; it leaves out what is terrible about not being fully in charge of your brain. But there are things about it I am unwilling to throw away.

It's a common cognitive fallacy to view things in black and white, to love something or hate it, so most of the media portrayals either exalt or condemn insanity. The truth is that one's strength can be tied to one's weakness so inextricably there is no pulling them separate. The truth is that mad geniuses are rarely "great despite" or "great because of" their madness, but equal measures of both.

This like everything else shapes us.

I have accepted that my brain (which is somewhere in the ADHD/Asperger's spectrum, with associated comorbidity cloud of delayed sleep phases, mild depression and mild OCD) may often work well but will never work "normally". There are days that this pleases me and days it frustrates me to no end. Hell, there are minutes each way.

But if I am to love myself, I must love my brain. Which means all of love: I must forgive it and I must coax it to be the best thing it can. Not by bludgeoning it into submission, but not by leaving off and letting it alone, either. I must appreciate the things it does right and strive to troubleshoot where it goes wrong.

...and I wonder if part of my fascination with neurology is as a route to that, despite the fact that I was fascinated before I ever knew - a way of sneaking up on myself from behind. There's an uneasy balance between acceptance and resignation, after all, and being resigned was never good for anyone. When I discover a quirk of my mental behavior, part of me is saying - "Wow, how peculiar! I wonder what kind of a glitch that is and what neurological processes it involves!" and it keeps me going, reaching toward Wikipedia and Pubmed to learn more about this strange new specimen myself.

Going and going, and not stopping to entertain the pernicious thought: what will this keep me from achieving?

The pitfall of this approach, of course, is that when I do encounter a limit, it's usually with my nose at sixty miles per hour, and ow.

See that which is filed under car crash, and job search, and jewelry business, and sleep schedule fail...

And my early community college GPA, and many of my attempts at making friends...

But I've got to keep moving. Always, always. If I stop, it's hard to start again. I am put in mind of a Laurie Anderson lyric from "Speechless": And if I open my mouth now, I'll fall to the ground.

The paradox of my life is that my entire adult existence can be narrated as a litany of failures or of successes. I generally narrate these as successes because it improves my reaction rolls with other people (and I've left social "success"/"failure" out of the table because this is getting long enough already, and you get the idea.) When others react with insecurity, I narrate them as failures. Either view is equally correct.


Shiny Awesomecat ViewNegative Nellie View
I started community college at 14.I dropped out of high school at 14.
Because I love writing and the humanities, and am good at them, earned a BA in Liberal Arts and a Master's in creative writing by the time I was 23, and wrote two novels, a critical thesis and a fair amount of poetry in the process.I was too flaky to write on my own, so I went into debt to get universities to give me deadlines for my writing, and carefully picked a non-linear education, being unable to hack doing normal homework.
I am confident, bold, creative, and happy with my appearance enough to have spent a couple of years working as a stripper, and enjoyed it.I worked in dive bars for two years because the thought of applying for a normal job and suffering a more than transitory rejection sent me into panic.
I started my own business in 2006.I tanked a business in 2006.
I spent a year in China teaching English at a technical college and having cool adventures. I saved a newborn kitten from certain death.After that, I couldn't handle face-to-face job interviews without breaking down crying, so I ran away, borrowing money from my dad so that my credit cards wouldn't go to collections while I was gone. Still haven't paid him back.
I just finished a year as a pre-medical student, taking hard science classes and doing well in them, and next year will earn a Bachelor of Science (general) degree if all goes well....Once I figured out how not to suck at school, I fell back in to avoid the stress of the working world. At 26, I have never held a job paying over $13/hour, nor a full-time job for an entire year.

I will stress that all of these things are true. That's what keeping perspective is about. I juggle thinking I'm awesomesauce with thinking I'm inadequate and a burden on people, and honestly, objectively? I think it evens out to being the life of a decent person. It's just that, we Sparks, we live in the extremes.

Deciding to view myself as essentially a good person is a complicated average of cool stuff and major fails, many of which I wouldn't have been able to pull out from if others hadn't had credit to extend me; not a matter of looking at my days and seeing lots of small, good-enough things. I keep the mad genius archetype around because it it reminds me that others deal with these questions, too, and that my conclusions aren't unique ones, thus less likely to be totally erroneous.
amberite_archive: (the doctor)

That's all. Have a nice day.
amberite_archive: (donna oi)
You know you want to:

The Doctor Who Kinkmeme lives. Go write porn in it!

This has been a public service announcement. Have a nice day.


Jan. 3rd, 2010 04:13 pm
amberite_archive: (timothy dalton ftw)
... I cannot wait until enough people have seen the ep to allow me to make/use a bunch of Timothy Dalton icons without fear of spoiling anyone.

Here's a generally non-spoilery one that I guess I'll stick with until a certain degree of common knowledge is achieved.

(Comments open for spoilers, speculations, and remarks on the awesome; if you don't want them, don't click.)
amberite_archive: (gallifreyan text 1)
Well. I liked it. I even loved some large percentage of it. Not least because it was very kind - not what I was expecting from RTD at all. Mostly, under the cut, I will speculate more than I opine.

cut for spoilers and theories )
amberite_archive: (10/saxon public menace)
Upon waking from my two hours of sleep yesterday morning, as I was puttering around the house getting breakfast in the 7 AM pitch-dark, [ profile] snowgrouse's doodle Simm!Master jumped into my head and started performing a bad karaoke version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" for the benefit of a .. possibly captive? doodle!Ten, who was mocking his intentionally bad singing.

Is this just fantasyyyyyy
Caught in a landslide
No escape from re-al-it-tee
Open your eeeeyyyyyes
Look up at the skyyyy and SEEEEEEEE
I'm just a poor boooooy, I need no sympathyyy..."

That bad. Hee.

"Be-el-ze-bub has a devil set aside for meeeeeeeee..."

It was a super vivid mental image (in between my brain running through physics equations) and I thought you all would like to know, especially [ profile] snowgrouse.
amberite_archive: (fourth doctor looking vulnerable)
It's weird how my obsessions kick in and out so forcefully. With the next David Tennant special coming up in a week, I'm suddenly haunted again and the story is running around in my head once more. Yesterday it wasn't -- yesterday, I checked my fic archive and wished I could write more, but didn't feel "there".

This kind of internal travel between storyworlds is what I got my tattoo about - though it is about many things, really.

I just took a look at some stills with Eleven. (For those of you strenuously avoiding spoilers, I'll cut, although I'm not really spoiling anything other than the casting and wardrobe.) Read more... )

EDIT: And yes, I know each regeneration is not always literally younger than the preceding - but check out this, yo:

Indeed, I made a scatterplot in the OpenOffice equivalent of Excel, because I am a dork and have been doing a lot of this in lab reports lately. The trendline equation, if you must know, is f(x)=-2.09x+54.09. *blushes scarlet*

I took data points from the middle of each actor's run, and the newcomer's current age since we don't know how long his run will be yet.
amberite_archive: (donna oi)
Spoilers, naturally. )

* Way, WAY different from Donna's ring. You can buy a replica of the Master's ring here, if you are wooby over the Master, unafraid of possession, and have £90 to spare. Amusingly, the hand model for their photo is wearing red nail polish.

** Way, WAY different from the Master's ring.

*** Like in your internet browser cache. More or less literally.
amberite_archive: (jack harkness)
I just watched the finale and I don't have enough brain-space to talk about it yet (let's just say I liked certain things about it, and I liked how they dealt with a certain visiting companion, but I didn't like the ending) and then I read the new part of [ profile] ginger_rude's Communion which is now up, and....


I'd say it's somewhere among the top five pieces of fan fiction I have ever read. I say the top five because it's my very, very favorite right now but I'm not sure where that fits into the time continuum.

Go read it. Jack/Tenth Doctor. Teh secks is involved, but mostly it's a deep psychological exploration (with telepathy) written by someone who really knows what she's doing. The piece expands on a lot of the things that I was trying to do with Survivor's Guilt and gets quite a lot deeper with them, while hitting every note perfectly. IT IS TEH AWESOME.

And for the record, I think I may have liked the s4 finale over all, but THIS IS BETTER A LOT. Someone send this woman a special effects budget. Sheeeyit.
amberite_archive: (no time for us four/master)
You know, I'm really amused that when watching Castrovalva on Youtube, the algorithm suggests "kinky latex and rubber outfits" as a related video.

I say it's [ profile] snowgrouse's fault, since I certainly haven't seen the episode the same way since reading her story (WarningNC17DubconWrongness) Valeriana.
amberite_archive: (torchwood otp)
This is actually a bit from a Torchwood forum RPG that a partner and a friend of mine are doing -- naturally other bits are interesting as well, but I'm reccing this because it (a) requires almost no background and (b) is hilarious.

So: In which, following Jack's 'everyone see a shrink' initiative, Owen fills out a psych evaluation form...

And there's the actual(1)form(2), in Owen-handwriting, if you want more hilarity.
amberite_archive: (fourth doctor crazy pills)
Doctor Who rumor-speculation-spoilers which may be totally unfounded but YARGH. )


(Crossposted to [ profile] doctorwho, who are really good at telling me I'm wrong. :D )

(Edit: Okay, this settles my speculation, at least as far as which life he's really on.)
amberite_archive: (three/master one sweet moment)
(Please note that all content you will likely click on links to from here gets a blanket NC-17.)

The Sickathon continues with some nicely pared prose from [ profile] nostalgia_lj, almost a year after its inception.

I think perhaps it deserves a birthday party.

If you write Doctor Who porn, you should write a story for the one-year anniversary of the Fanfic Challenge That Made Itself. (Really. Because it started with four of us, each staring at a one-off line from [ profile] astrogirl2's story and each having the same thought: I would write that, but... too wrong! And then we got into a double-dog-dare goading match spanning more than one journal. And then the id box got opened up, and, well. You know the rest.)

I this fandom. Even when I'm only a tiny bit involved with it these days.


Ooh! [ profile] elance made one.
Yay! Moar pls!


Sep. 26th, 2007 03:16 am
amberite_archive: (ten oodz)
I don't think I ever got around to linking this, so: now I have.

(No, it doesn't mean I'm keeping up with fandom this month, unfortunately -- just revisiting old bookmarks and favorites.)

we built this city on rock and roll

Spoilers-ish for 3rd season new -- it shows some sequences from the finale, but doesn't exactly explain anything.

It's multi-era Who, as are many or all of [ profile] calapine's vids.

And really brilliantly done, (ditto.)
amberite_archive: (torchwood otp)
DW Minor Characters Ficathon (very late, d'oh)

For: [ profile] slightly_mad
Title: Circular Generation
Words: 1400
Spoilers: S1 & early Torchwood; heavy speculation.

Summary: Jack's first pregnancy and his missing time were related. The two others central to the matter are more significant than they seem.

Rating: R for some slightly bizarre het sex and glossed-over invasive medical procedures.

This is one of the most out-there things I've ever written as far as character speculation goes...


Jack has two periods of time missing from his memory: he doesn't remember the first two years of his life. But then, we rarely do. )
amberite_archive: (rose 2)
Summary: The frightening new adventure of Rose Tyler coming into her own after Doomsday. We will see intimacy, poetic justice, some aphorisms, and familiar unfamiliar places. Not a reunion fic, but did I mention that it travels in time?

As usual, me != BBC.

* * *

"It's unpleasantly like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."

--The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams

1. Rose in Torchwood
2. Symphony for Two Lost Travelers
3. Making Sudden Movements

4. Down to Earth )
amberite_archive: (run for your life!)
Summary: The frightening new adventure of Rose Tyler coming into her own after Doomsday. We will see intimacy, poetic justice, some aphorisms, and familiar unfamiliar places. Not a reunion fic, but did I mention that it travels in time?

As usual, me != BBC.

Teaspoon archive, including previous parts

3. Making Sudden Movements )


amberite_archive: (Default)

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