Last night I went with some of my friends to go see a special showing of Missile to the Moon
. For those not in the know, we have a lovely historic movie theatre, the Hollywood
- my first introduction to Portland was going to the H.P. Lovecraft Film Festival in 2002 in this building full of velvet curtains and weird angles. A group of musicians and actors called Filmusik
sometimes does shows there where they play newly composed soundtracks to old films, and especially reclaim weird pulpy stuff.
I had fun with their interpretation of Plan Nine from Outer Space
last week, so I came back for more. They showed a colorized print of Missile to the Moon
and I showed up sleep-depped, as I'd been running on caffeine and damnedness since 7:30 AM.
Their music and acting was as good as the original movie was bad, and boy was it a stinker. Worse
than Plan Nine. But it was sure educational.
Without further ado:Things I learned from Missile to the Moon
1. Science makes a bubbling sound.
2. You can always tell an escaped prisoner by his immaculately slicked-back pompadour hairstyle.
3. Americans like to wave guns around. (Trufax!)
4. When the escaped convict with his perfect hair has just tried to rape you, and your sweetie's friend responds by engaging him in a match of fisticuffs, the correct response is "Boys, boys, stop fighting!"
5. There are creatures on the moon that look like the Geico Gecko in a KKK suit
and indicate menace by doing this autistic-ish flapping gesture.
6. And a creature that looks like a walrus/terrier crossbreed
with bits of tarantula and stag beetle grafted on.
7. There are also blue women. With pointy breasts. No men, just women.
8. They know how to belly-dance. And they eat regrettable fifties cookbook food
, down to the grapes on toothpicks sticking out grotesquely in every direction.
9. When your husband-to-be has just escaped from kidnap and mind-control by an evil moon woman with awesome facial expressions, the correct response is "Is she prettier than me?"
10. When you put Junior Mints in your pocket and forget about them, they adhere nicely to the face of your cell phone. No, wait, I didn't learn that from the movie; I learned that from putting Junior Mints in my pocket.
Well, I hope you have found this educationally enriching! Toodles!